Help....can anyone help me.....

[aidaharpoo@hotmail.com]

Hello I am a 15 year old girl. And I was wondering if anyone
was help me. I have never had a boyfriend or have been kissed by
a boy. I have friends...but they can;t always help me with my
depresion. People tell me that my time will come but time is
running out. I would like to talk with a female that has been in
my shoes. (with an cleft palate and lip) Also around my age like
18......I have a lot of quiestions about surguries and life.
Should I end it ......is it going to get any worse? Please
help......

[Anonymous]

Hang in there!! Yes, I have been in your shoes, and so has
everyone else with this, but that is what makes us special. You
need to search within yourself to find love. It may sound crazy
to you, but I have been there before. I was unhappy, had only a
few close friends, and no boyfriend or kiss either. I thought I
should just end my life at that time. Well times have changed. I
am 26 now, married and 2 beautiful little boys. But with this, I
was still unhappy in the begining of my marriage. I had to
finally learn to love myself for who I was, before I could
totally give my love to another. Take a look at yourself,
interists you may have, what dreams you have for your future -
then make it happen. I have gone through so many emotions, like
you are now, please believe me when I say search inside yourself.
I realize your self confidence has probably been beaten down by
people who are cruel. I have pity for people who do this, becouse
in the end they will suffer. They have given themselves
limitations by treating others this way. They don't realize not
only have they missed opportunities to make a new friend, learn
new things, ect. In the end the "cruel" people will
suffer the most. Ironic isn't it. So don't do anything drastic,
we don't want to lose such a beautiful person (inside and out).
Everyone is beautiful in his or her own way, no one is perfect.
And that is what makes life so special. You will see this if you
try to find it within yourself. Please, if you want to talk,
please e-mail me, I will help you through this, you are not alone
and nor will I let you feel alone!! eads@caves.net Stacy

[URGENT!! Please reply to]

I think if we can offer our collective experiences and ways to
cope, she may be able to accept herself easier. Thanks.



Sincerely, friend, amgula

[amgula]

Hi, I read your post and my heart broke for you. It was like
reading something from one of my old journals. Let me start by
saying that YOU ARE NOT ALONE IN THIS. Please realize that people
who visit this site are not only very nice and understanding, but
have a lot to offer in the way of experience. It's so great that
you asked for help. You are a very smart person for realizing
that life in general does not have to feel so painful.



I want to offer you the opportunity to write to me if you
wish, so I can address you personally. My email address is amgula
@ sprynet.com



I don't want to come off like I have all the answers, but I
have experienced soooooo much, that I often said "if I only
knew then what I know now". In fact, I wish I could go back
to high school now with the knowledge, confidence and opinions
that I have now. But that's when the saying "live and
learn" applies.



Anyway, you've probably seen a ton of my postings up and down
this discussion board about all sorts of topics. I'm a 32 year
old female, with a bi-lateral cleft lip and palate, who happens
to be a big time perfectionist! In my early childhood years, I
was as happy as the next child, but in my early and late teen
years, I often felt VERY depressed, extremely angry and unfairly
punished. I was either crying or lashing out all the time. My
emotions were 'volcanic'! During that time and even into my
college years, I never liked anything about how I looked. I was
extremely hard on myself. I never would have treated an enemy as
badly as I did myself. I would sometimes physically hurt myself
just to take away or replace the emotional pain. It was just too
much. Luckily, like you, I always had friends. But friends (and
family memebers) who were not born like us will never understand
the depths that this condition reaches-the very core of your
emotions and self-confidence. Even though your friends may
compliment you, it doesn't take away or replace the damage done
by those mean people who teased you. It's usually the negative
that stays with us. I can write to you at your email address to
give you more details of my experience, rather than fill up this
page......



When I was in my teens, it just seemed like it would take
FOREVER for me to look 'normal'. I was impatient, and rightfully
so. I didn't want to look the way I did for any time longer than
I had to. I had something like 28-30+ surgeries-each step was a
separate surgery (closing the right side was one surgery, closing
the left side was another, closing the palate was yet another.
Then all those revisions because the surgeon didn't do all that
much the first time!) It took so long! I know that the treatment
course now-a-days is a lot shorter than what I went through. You
have reason to be optimistic. I don't want to focus too much on
the physical, because we all know "it's what's inside that
counts" (how many times have you heard that? I've heard it
at least 1 million !) There are wonderful surgeons who are so
talented and creative and can reshape those parts you're not so
happy with. Not all surgeons know all the techniques. It's your
responsibility to find a surgeon who will give you what you want.
The surgeon who did my childhood/early adulthood surgeries was
too conservative in his treatment. My present surgeon gives me
results I can see (and appreciate!) In your post you asked if it
will get any worse? In my own life experience, I want to tell you
"no". But I cannot predict what lies ahead for you and
I don't know how you react to things. In my own life, I was
always the sad one throughout those years and in my mid-20's to
now, I've been the happiest, most optimistic in my group of
friends. I think I re-set the way that I perceive things in my
life as well as the way I look at myself. (call it "old-age
wisdom"!) If you want to know how I might perceive different
things that you're going through so you might not feel so bad,
please write. It's always good to get a different perspective on
things. Sometimes we get so caught up in our own thoughts that
nothing else seems to matter, or nothing else makes sense.



I noticed that you had another post on the board. Seeing this
tells me that you have a generous side that you want to offer
your help and experiences. This is an important personality
characteristic that should not be overlooked. You seem like a
very nice person. If that was enough to make it in this world,
you'd be set. But of course, these other things matter, too.



I really would like to answer any of your questions, being
that I've gone this many years with this, and it may be an
opportunity to peer into what may be your future. And what a
great future it can be!



I don't want to minimize your feelings, because I do know
what you're going through, believe me. But what I have learned
over the years, after thinking so much about this and everything
else, is that so much of how you see things depends on how you
think. If you tend to think negatively, everything will seem
negative; same for the positive. I know it's a blanket statement,
but I know it is really true. I learned that not everything I see
or do has to relate back to the fact that I was born with this.
I've separated the way I was born and look today, with the way
that I experience things.



I hope this helped some and that you will write if I can help
answer any of your questions. Take care. amgula @ sprynet.com

[Bezzer34@webtv.net]

I an 28 years old and have felt the way you do. I realized
that if someone only cared for my looks then they are not worth
having me as a friend. I've had alot of family suppport and a few
close friends that were there for me, especially during after the
surgeries. Don't give up. It was hard being born when I was
because not too many people had cleft lip and palate. Now more
people are familar with it. I hope I helped you but remember you
are special and beautiful so it does not matter what other people
say they are ignorant and don't know any better. I went to
college and am married also have a good job. Again DON'T GIVE UP.