Help is anyone in my shoes??

[Annette J & son Eric]

I was born with a bilateral cleft lip and palate 31 years ago.
I had my first child when I was 17,the second child, a boy,was
born with a severe bilateral lip and palate. Ialso have 3 more
children, which were all born ok. I thought that I was strong,
but know my son is going on 12 and things aren't going to well.
He is so out of control, being teased, others being nasty and
etc. have made him very angry, the same kind of angry that I was
as a child and the same angry that I sometimes still feel. Can
anyone tell me how to make it easier on my son. I feel so guilty.
Waiting for anyone to reply..Thank you Annette J

[Pareen]

Hi, so sorry to hear your situation. I was born with a
unilateral cleft lip and palate and I know it isn't as severe as
what you and your son have, but I had some thoughts to share. I
was teased also and when I was your sons age it felt the worst
because those are the years when a child craves to be accepted
among his/her peers. It was so painful for me growing up. I hated
looking at myself, looking at pictures of myself. Kids were so
damn cruel. But I think what I didn't realize then, which you may
want to tell your son, is that because our appearance is
different than our peers, they automatically assume that we are
strange and they make themselves feel more normal and secure by
making fun of us. These children should be pittied, for they are
the ones that lack in good character and they will be punished
for their treatment of us. This is a true story: When my mother
an extremely beautiful woman, she is 40 and people still tell her
she could model) was about 15, she teased a girl at her school,
made fun of the way she looked. The girl had cleft lip and
palate. I was my mothers first child and I feel like I was born
to punish her. Because although I had a rough childhood, I have
been through maxillofacial surgery, rhinoplasty and my teeth
completely done (implants and the whole nine yards) and I am now
a beautiful woman and people say, "You're so pretty, you
look like your mom." I feel like parents suffer as much if
not more than the child. Just talk to your son a lot and let him
get out his feelings and expain to him that his appearance will
be corrected through surgery when he stops growing, but those
poor kids will always need to pick on others to make themselves
feel good, cause even though god gave them a normal appearance,
they don't have the goodness underneath to complete it. I'm sorry
I've rambled on, had so many little things to get out. I wish you
all the best and I know that everything will turn out wonderfully
and your son will one day look better than most boys and he will
have the added benefit of being a compassionate, sensitive man
due to his experience. One more thing, when I was young I never
wanted to participate in any extra curricular activities or
sports because I felt so intimidated by my peers and was so
scared that I wouldn't be good and that would just cause me more
ridicule-even if your son feels this way make sure you push him
and make him participate in as many things as possible. This is
the best way to overcome the fear and feel accepted among a group
of peers. My parents didn't push me hard enough, if I knew then
what I know now, I would have done more and given myself a chance
to find some good friends and gain confidence. -Pareen.

[Melanie]

Hi. I'm 20, and I was also born with a severe bilateral cleft
lip and palate. I was teased viciously as a child, and I often
came home crying at the end of the school days. Kids are so cruel
at that age. I know what you and your son are going through. I am
not a parent yet, but I know in the future that I may face the
same things that you are. I am facing my final surgery in
December. I want you to realize that you and your son are so
lucky to have been blessed with this.. I know I am.. It has made
me so appreciative of everything. Tell your son to hang in
there.. Going through this will make him stronger and a more
sensitive person to others.. I know it doesn't seem like that
right now. But, I have been through it. Don't let it turn to
anger. Try to change it into a creative form. Have him write
stories or draw... That's what I did..Take care. Both of you.

[Aislinn]

I read you article.... i think the best thing to do is let him
deal with it his own way. My parents never helped me so I had to
deal with is myself. If someone bugs him tell him to ignore the
kid or tellt he kid why you are like,that best thing is to have
lots of friends around. I'm in high school and people are more
murcer about it elemetry and middle school was hell! DON"T
FEEL GUILTY EITHER it will only make him feel worse!



If you would like to talk to me e-mail me at
aidaharpoo@hotmail.com

[Been there for 48 years]

I am a female born with bilateral cleft lip. Repaired during
my early years, my parents never treated me as
"different". As result, I did not and do not feel
"different". I am married with two now grown children,
neither of which have clefts. The absolutely worst thing you can
do for anyone in this situation is to treat them as different or
special. We are not. Just people with visible scars. My life has
been mostly normal. I completed my education as I should have
done, worked in the healthcare field and have a very visible job
in marketing. I knew at an early job that I must face the world,
sometimes with them looking back at me, and go on with my life.
That is the only way. No special treatment, no pity. Tell your
son to go on with his life and then stand back and let him do it.