Help is anyone in my shoes??

[Annette J & son Eric]

I was born with a bilateral cleft lip and palate 31 years ago.
I had my first child when I was 17,the second child, a boy,was
born with a severe bilateral lip and palate. Ialso have 3 more
children, which were all born ok. I thought that I was strong,
but know my son is going on 12 and things aren't going to well.
He is so out of control, being teased, others being nasty and
etc. have made him very angry, the same kind of angry that I was
as a child and the same angry that I sometimes still feel. Can
anyone tell me how to make it easier on my son. I feel so guilty.
Waiting for anyone to reply..Thank you Annette J

[dwhite1250@aol.com]

Annette, I hope you see this post. It has been sometime since
you posted your message. I just found this discussion list and
read you post.



I can relate to you situation. I am 48 y/o and was born with
a unilateral cleft lip. My lip was repaired when I was 2 month
old and I had one cosmetic surgery in 1964. Growing up my family
never treated me any different than any of my other 4 sisters or
1 brother, but the kid in school and the neighborhood did tease
me. I was left out of many things. I was very subcouncious of my
lip and became very much the bully myself as I was growing up.
Now I think it was because I was afraid of being picked on so I
would strike out first before anyone had the chance to strike out
at me. I was very much a loner in school and didn't have many
friends. The friends I did have were much older than me.



I married very young. I was 17 and my wife was only 16 (BTW
we are still married). We had our first child one year later. It
was a girl and she was perfect. We wanted more children but
unfortunately my wife was not able to get pregnant. That is until
14 years later. Our second child was also a girl and for the
first time I went into the delivery room with my wife. As our
daughter was being born, I was the first to notice she had a
cleft lip. I started firing questions at the doctor right away.
He had not even noticed the cleft at that point. My first
question was does it (didn't yet know the sex) have a cleft
palete too. Moments later the doctor told us our daughter had a
complete cleft. To my shame, I did not handle it well that day.



As the days went by I came to grip with the situation. I
swore to myself my daughter would not grow up feeling about her
birth defects the way I did. I felt I would be able to help her
because I had been there. Boy was I wrong. My daughter is so much
like me it is scary. I have never been able to sit down and talk
with her. She just doesn't want to hear it from me. She doesn't
make friends very easily.



Well she just turned 16 on May 13. On May 14 she had her last
major surgery (jaw reconstruction). The surgery went well and she
looks like a new person. I am finding out now that we did build a
lot of self confidence in her over the years. After surgery was
over and now that the swelling is starting to go down she is
starting to miss her old look.



I guess my point is that we can't do it for them. Even though
it seem like we whould be able to make it easier for them because
we have already been there, kids are kids and they have to do it
for themselves, just like we did. All we can do is be there for
them and make sure they grow up in a good home environment. The
rest will come together.



I know I acted out and got in a lot of trouble as a kid, I
think alot of it was because of the teasing from the other kids
and when being left out of things I alway that it was because of
the cleft. However I grew out of it. I have now been married for
almost 31 years. I have 3 healthy beautiful daughters (31,16,14).
A very successful career as a police officer (20 years as a Chief
of Police).



So just hang in there. Do you best. Although your son may be
acting out now, as long as you give him the foundation he needs
he will turn out just fine.



If you would like to talk, feel free to email me at
dwhite1250@aol.com



Denny