Dear Tracy, I read your notice and was moved to write to you.
What I wanted to tell you is that perhaps, if the cleft is not
extremely noticeable, perhaps you should consider not putting
your child through the procedure. I too was born with a cleft lip
and palate, and opted not to undergo surgery. I felt that there
must be purpose for having been born this way and rather than put
that opportunity aside, I embraced it. Granted, my cleft was not
very severe, but it is hardly something that you wouldn't notice
on first meeting me. Still, I wouldn't change a thing about my
face, and feel that way to this day. I was teased mercilessly
during my school years, had few friends and seldom dated, but I
just couldn't bring myself to undergo the procedure. Part of it
was perhaps not wanting to do another procedure of any kind; the
trauma of it is difficult to understand, but it certainly isn't a
wonderful experience. But for the most part, I think that the
reason was that I felt that I needed to be me, and my face is one
that I was used to. Even at an early age, I felt that the fact
that I didn't like the way I looked had more to do with the
feelings people projected on me, rather than that it was ugly.
Part of that understanding came from the experiences that, at the
time, were very bitter, but on the whole raised my consciousness
to a point where I could reason such thoughts at a higher level
than the children my age. In the end, it mattered little to me
that I never underwent the procedure to "correct" the
cleft. Though I had few friends, those I had were steadfast and
true. I dated little, but eventually met a wonderful and
beautiful woman and we settled down and had our first child. Our
second is due any day now, and we are on pins and needles waiting
for her to arrive. Growing up sensitive to others feelings has
made me a good husband, I'm told, and a good father. Nothing
means as much to me as my family. Life has a way of handling
these little "problems," but we have to be willing to
do the difficult thing sometimes to get that benefit. There is
always time to decided to let your daughter have the cleft fixed,
but there is only one chance to let it remain and trust that it
has a purpose. I'm not telling you to DO this, only urging you to
consider it, something I doubt anyone else will suggest. I simply
want to offer another option. In my case it certainly was the
right one. Though sometimes my life has been painful, it has all
served to make me who I am, and I like that person and wouldn't
trade that for the world. To be honest, most of my most painful
moments weren't connected with my cleft lip, but a triad of other
things. And it isn't hard to instill confidence in a child with
this condition; my folks did it with ease because they loved me
and wouldn't let a day go by in which love wasn't evident. That
did more for me than any medical procedure could ever do. Thanks
for hearing me out. If you would like to write and comment on any
of this, or ask any questions, please feel free to at
jccole9@yahoo.com. I promise to return your letter as soon as I
possibly can, considering that I'm a parent. (Parenthood: The
toughest job you'll ever love...) Sincerely, j.c. Cole