by Trisha » Tue Jun 06, 2000 9:32 am
Brian,
No one can deny you of your feelings, but some of this you may be taking too hard. Life does not have to be one big misery. I read your posts and I can relate to your pain, because I've felt it too. I also recognize a personality aspect that we seem to share: the need to be heard. Not necessarily that we have to "be right", or win an argument or discussion, but just to have our feelings validated. I see this in you because after you write a post and someone responds, (especially someone not cleft-affected), you become more upset. But trying to tell these other people that it is a difficult thing to get past, is a moot point. Some people don't even care to try to empathise, and I doubt you want any kind of pity, just understanding. That's why these sites are useful. Unfortunately, you can't change the opinions of everyone, but maybe a few that care enough to listen to what you have to say. It's one thing to get your message out so that people are aware, but it's another to demand that they actually understand.
I've been through a lot, just as many of us have. I won't deny the fact that I had a very hard time accepting myself after repeatedly being made fun of. But when I hit my mid twenties, I realized something that stuck with me. We create our own realities. If we continue to get stuck on the pain of insults that we received as 8 year olds, we won't grow and mature. This is true not only about how we view ourselves with facial deformities, but how we see the world. Do we hold the exact same values and prejudices as our parents and families? Or have we grown independent (thereby really making the "best of our situation"), and learned to think and evaluate things for ourselves?
From what I read of your posts, you were able to get past some of the prejudices other people had toward you. You managed to excel in school enough to be accepted into a really good college. Do you not have pride in yourself for such an achievement? You were not judged unfairly by all your teachers if you were able to achieve that. So the world is not this totally horrible place that you seem to think it is.
The point about not being videotaped brought back some memories for me. I, too, am not in as many family photos as the rest of the group. But I think I created that response from my family. I say this, because my friends photograph me anyway. When I was about 13, and really not far along in my surgical + braces treatment, I was extremely self-conscious. An uncle ran after me with a video camera, almost sadistically. He didn't realize the camera shyness he caused me. I envision that part of the video tape of me shows me running, screaming, into the bathroom, where I then sat crying. Perhaps if I didn't make a fuss, he would have relented, but I was only a kid. Anyway, since then, or maybe before, I could not bear to look at myself in pictures. I cut out my 7th grade yearbook picture and never showed up for my 12th grade pictures. My family assumed I never liked to be in pictures, and they never bothered with me. It would be really dumb for me to tell them now, "I'm ok with picture-taking". I just act natural in those situations and let things run their natural course.
I know I responded to you personally about my own personal career achievements. But I'll repeat myself for any benefit someone else may gain from reading this. I did not do well especially in high school because of a few teachers who thought, with a cleft comes some form of brain damage. I was not as aggressive as I am now so I did not prove them wrong by doing well. I was beaten down and I didn't bother to try. Partly because I unwittingly thought, 'what's the use'. I managed to get into a 4 year college and lived in dorms and my own apartment on the water. I realized that I did have some intellectual potential if I applied myself, and if I were given a fair chance. With the exception of a rejection, at age 17, at an interview for a part time position at Macy's for which I was qualified (I passed the written test with flying colors), I have never experienced any kind of prejudice in interviewing or landing jobs. I never bring up my cleft at work, unless I have to take time off for surgery.
Note to parents: if you sense your child is not doing well because of unfair treatment by an unfair teacher, move him/her to another class. Be proactive in protecting your child's self-esteem.
Though I have not achieved everything I set out to do, I think I'm doing pretty well. I made some ok decisions, and with a lot of soul searching I improved my self esteem in a way that works for me. I don't put other people down, in order to raise myself up; I don't expect others to repair the damage that was done from my past; I don't believe it's the responsibility of others to make me happy. In my company, I am the only demonstrator / trainer for workstation applications for NY, the NorthEast US and Canada. In the other branch in NC, there are 4 people doing my job. I have brought in nearly a million in sales because of my talent on the system. I train people for 2 weeks at a time to use the software and I know I've done a job well, when they are up and running in a few short weeks. I am asked to go to most of the trade shows my company attends. Years ago, I would not have envisioned myself actually representing a company to this degree, but here I am. Please don't be negative and think: "Well, are you MAKING a MILLION DOLLARS??" Because, No, I am not. But that is not what is important here. And to think back to 10th grade, when my math teacher told me, "I don't care if you pass every test, I am still going to fail you", and I've been working with math problems for the past few years, and estimate making at least 3 times her present salary. (Not that money is important) I've rented apartments in NYC for the past 11 years (nearly $100k spent--ok, I should have bought a condo!) (I'm 34), bought almost everything I own, never borrowed a dime from my parents, and appreciate everything that I do have. I travel all over the world and look forward to what life is going to show me.
A thought about how others see us. Unless someone actually tells you what s/he sees, you will not know. You may see love in someone's eyes, but we are not mind readers. It's best not to assume the worst. Sometimes on the subway, I would 'feel' someone's eyes on me, only to look up and see that they were facing me, but their eyes were closed. So, I learned not to assume the negative. I am not a pollyana, but I'd rather give people the benefit of the doubt--and I am proud to say, that I HAVE NEVER BEEN WRONG, about the way I've viewed people.
I believe that weird behavior elicits weird responses, and also that 'practice makes perfect'. A few years ago, I spent a lot of time looking in the mirror, not to be vain (believe me!) I wanted to see what others saw. I watched how I spoke when I was on the phone, how I smiled, and how I ate. I fine-tuned all of my actions so that I'd be more confident in knowing what I was presenting to the world. It really seemed to help a lot. And it made me more comfortable with looking at myself, and having others look at me. When I started to date a college boyfriend seriously, when he stared at me, it made me so uncomfortable (this was several years before the 'fine tuning). I realized that it was a trust issue; was he going to make fun of me, the way the boys did when I was a child? He didn't and it helped my self-esteem. I learned to look at him, and then others, in the eye. It was quite a breakthrough, though it may seem small.
So Brian, I hope I left you with some positive thoughts. Admittedly, having a cleft is nothing to be enthralled with, but it doesn't have to stop somebody from really enjoying life either. I hope you realize that there is so much more out there than some small scars. It starts with your own self, and it grows from there. What will it be, **Positive** or ^^Negative^^. Each way of perception affects your life, and only you can decide how you should live it. Take care.