LACK OF UNDERSTANDING VERY SAD
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Hey-greetings from another creature hit by the 700 hundred to one shot! I'm 39 and have a bilateral cleft lip and palate. Over the past couple of weeks I have been carefully studying what people talk about on these cleft lip and palate boards. I'm am astonished by the lack of understanding of facial diformity. The comments tend to fall into just a few catories 1; parents worried about the technicalities of operations, 2; parents worried that about how people will react to their kids deformity 3; older people with clefts stating they were made fun of growing up and that it sucked. Some claim that being self confident overcomes the physical appearance (my guess is that only a some small portion can be overcome).
I'm amazed at how little older people with cleft's talk about the huge problems they face as adults. The other thing that is rarely mentioned is that people with clefts have small nasal passages making it impossilbe to do things like running. Can this be corrected with modern medicine?
People with facial deformities are rejected their entire lives. This is not a minor but a huge, typically insurmountable problem. When I grew up kids always made fun of me. I had some good friends but I noticed that I always had to put "the energy into maintaining" the relationships. I've always had to make the phone calls to maintain all relationships with friends or relatives. From what I can figure out this is true of most people with cleft lip and palates. As adults people with clefts often notice how rare that other family members visit or call them.
My advice to parents with children with cleft lip and palate is to pretend they are a "NY Jew". You've got to be outspoken and figure out how to get things done. Don't just sit there any say that if God did this it must be for the best. I've noticed that it is very helpful to be upfront and honest with people about having a facial deformity. Try talking to your kid's friend's parents about it. Tell them that it is very hard for kids with cleft lip and palates as they go through school. Tell them to make sure that your kid always get invited everywhere. Explain to them that it is hard for kids with clefts to have lots of friends and you need theri help to make sure your kid doesn't get rejected. I never talked to a single girl in high school. I grew up being told to "stick my chest out" and that I could overcome by physical differences. This didn't help. You need to be very perceptive of your kids problems. For example, if your kid doesn't get invited to any parties you can't expect your kid to be all that socially mature. You also need to help out and provide opportunities where you can. I was amazed at how all my relatives have stood by and done nothing my whole life when they could have been extremely helpful at times. Over the past 10 years I had to call a few people from high school. I was amazed at how many didn't return my call.
I went to the best schools in the country and never received a single job offer. I was forced work in basement boiler rooms (owned by organized crime types) trying to sell strangers worthless penny stocks. My schoolmates got to work in prestigous companies and some of them now run some of the biggest companies in America. After selling penny stocks for a few years I opened a franchise for a brokerage firm. They were also very dishonest but this was a lot better than selling penny stocks. I developed my entire business cold calling strangers. I noticed that even family and friends would never trust me because of my physical difference. Actually, for years this made me feel terrible because I thought they were reacting to me personally. Now, I'm quite sure that they were reacting to my cleft. I've asked some other people in my business with clefts and they get virtually the same reation. I've tried to avoid meeting the people who run my firm because I figured from past experience that this would be disadvantagous. How right I was. I'll mention one example here. Several years ago the head trader (a crook) visited me in my office. Several days later when I noticed they had cheated me on a trade she said "if you didn't work here you wouldn't beable to get a job anywhere else." Very hurtful but brutally honest. Luckily I've made enough money so I don't have to work anymore but I know that if I had any real type of opportunity I would have made many times more.
The guy I work with has the right looks but is not very smart. He gets 100% of his business from friends and relatives. He has lost money for every one of them before working with me and they still give him a lot of business. He comes to work when the market opens and leaves at the close. I'm there for many more hours slaving away talking to abusive strangers. Now his friends and relatives buy my ideas and make money. My friends and relatives are much wealthier but ignore me because of my cleft lip.
Dealing with having a cleft lip and palate requires a tremendous amount of clarity. In other words make sure that you never smoke, drink or do drugs. These will distort your ability tremendously to deal with this type of problem. My guess is that a much higher than normal percentage of people with cleft lip and palate fall victim to these vices.
I will never walk into a casino. I have been tring to figure out how people react to having a cleft lip and palate. My guess is that all people with this problem have very similar reations from the world around them. The imediate family upbringing probably also has a differential effect. It is probably extremely important to have a lot of support from the parent of the oposite sex. Unfortunately my mother has never said much to me my entire life. Having a cleft lip and palate is like being in a social casino. When the good looking people do something wrong their mistakes are overlooked and they are given more chances (the Clinton effect). With a cleft it is rare that you are given any chances at all. You will be watched like a hawk and totally shut out at the slightest mistake.
Recently I've tried to spend a lot more time on a level playing field. The internet is a huge boon for people with facial diformities.
I realize that some people who read this are going to claim that I'm too negative. They'll say that they are great interviewers or that they are happily married, etc. Unfortunately, people with clefts are constantly being told that they should just ignore it and that the problem is in their head. It is not! You need to figure out how it effects you and work around it.
Another thing I've noticed about people with facial deformities is that they are always hoping for some big event to happen. I've always thought that I'd be involved in some amazing business deal that never happens.
These message boards could be a tremendous help to people with cleft lip and palates. Keep reading and adding your insights. Maybe someone will put this together and come out with a best selling book so that nobody will bother us anymore and maybe we'll get to go to a couple of parties. Rock On!!!
I'm amazed at how little older people with cleft's talk about the huge problems they face as adults. The other thing that is rarely mentioned is that people with clefts have small nasal passages making it impossilbe to do things like running. Can this be corrected with modern medicine?
People with facial deformities are rejected their entire lives. This is not a minor but a huge, typically insurmountable problem. When I grew up kids always made fun of me. I had some good friends but I noticed that I always had to put "the energy into maintaining" the relationships. I've always had to make the phone calls to maintain all relationships with friends or relatives. From what I can figure out this is true of most people with cleft lip and palates. As adults people with clefts often notice how rare that other family members visit or call them.
My advice to parents with children with cleft lip and palate is to pretend they are a "NY Jew". You've got to be outspoken and figure out how to get things done. Don't just sit there any say that if God did this it must be for the best. I've noticed that it is very helpful to be upfront and honest with people about having a facial deformity. Try talking to your kid's friend's parents about it. Tell them that it is very hard for kids with cleft lip and palates as they go through school. Tell them to make sure that your kid always get invited everywhere. Explain to them that it is hard for kids with clefts to have lots of friends and you need theri help to make sure your kid doesn't get rejected. I never talked to a single girl in high school. I grew up being told to "stick my chest out" and that I could overcome by physical differences. This didn't help. You need to be very perceptive of your kids problems. For example, if your kid doesn't get invited to any parties you can't expect your kid to be all that socially mature. You also need to help out and provide opportunities where you can. I was amazed at how all my relatives have stood by and done nothing my whole life when they could have been extremely helpful at times. Over the past 10 years I had to call a few people from high school. I was amazed at how many didn't return my call.
I went to the best schools in the country and never received a single job offer. I was forced work in basement boiler rooms (owned by organized crime types) trying to sell strangers worthless penny stocks. My schoolmates got to work in prestigous companies and some of them now run some of the biggest companies in America. After selling penny stocks for a few years I opened a franchise for a brokerage firm. They were also very dishonest but this was a lot better than selling penny stocks. I developed my entire business cold calling strangers. I noticed that even family and friends would never trust me because of my physical difference. Actually, for years this made me feel terrible because I thought they were reacting to me personally. Now, I'm quite sure that they were reacting to my cleft. I've asked some other people in my business with clefts and they get virtually the same reation. I've tried to avoid meeting the people who run my firm because I figured from past experience that this would be disadvantagous. How right I was. I'll mention one example here. Several years ago the head trader (a crook) visited me in my office. Several days later when I noticed they had cheated me on a trade she said "if you didn't work here you wouldn't beable to get a job anywhere else." Very hurtful but brutally honest. Luckily I've made enough money so I don't have to work anymore but I know that if I had any real type of opportunity I would have made many times more.
The guy I work with has the right looks but is not very smart. He gets 100% of his business from friends and relatives. He has lost money for every one of them before working with me and they still give him a lot of business. He comes to work when the market opens and leaves at the close. I'm there for many more hours slaving away talking to abusive strangers. Now his friends and relatives buy my ideas and make money. My friends and relatives are much wealthier but ignore me because of my cleft lip.
Dealing with having a cleft lip and palate requires a tremendous amount of clarity. In other words make sure that you never smoke, drink or do drugs. These will distort your ability tremendously to deal with this type of problem. My guess is that a much higher than normal percentage of people with cleft lip and palate fall victim to these vices.
I will never walk into a casino. I have been tring to figure out how people react to having a cleft lip and palate. My guess is that all people with this problem have very similar reations from the world around them. The imediate family upbringing probably also has a differential effect. It is probably extremely important to have a lot of support from the parent of the oposite sex. Unfortunately my mother has never said much to me my entire life. Having a cleft lip and palate is like being in a social casino. When the good looking people do something wrong their mistakes are overlooked and they are given more chances (the Clinton effect). With a cleft it is rare that you are given any chances at all. You will be watched like a hawk and totally shut out at the slightest mistake.
Recently I've tried to spend a lot more time on a level playing field. The internet is a huge boon for people with facial diformities.
I realize that some people who read this are going to claim that I'm too negative. They'll say that they are great interviewers or that they are happily married, etc. Unfortunately, people with clefts are constantly being told that they should just ignore it and that the problem is in their head. It is not! You need to figure out how it effects you and work around it.
Another thing I've noticed about people with facial deformities is that they are always hoping for some big event to happen. I've always thought that I'd be involved in some amazing business deal that never happens.
These message boards could be a tremendous help to people with cleft lip and palates. Keep reading and adding your insights. Maybe someone will put this together and come out with a best selling book so that nobody will bother us anymore and maybe we'll get to go to a couple of parties. Rock On!!!