Having Kids

[jacksmom]

I wanted to respond to the post about having children - and especially to Stephanie's wonderful post. I was born with a complete unilateral cleft lip and palate and when I became pregnant a few yrs. ago I was naturally frightened my child would have the same defects. I dwelled on it in fact, driving my husband crazy with my fears. I nervously awaited the day when I would have the level 2 ultrasound which would let me know whether my child was afflicted. But then, a wk. before that test, I found out I needed an amnioscentesis - my child may have Down's Syndrome. Suddenly my fear of having a child with a cleft lip seemed very trivial and I had to face the fact that my child may have a far greater challenge. As it turned out, he had neither a cleft nor Down's Syndrome. I learned a great deal from this experience though - in the scheme of things, cleft lips are a minor "defect" that can be helped tremendously with surgery. Except for the children whose clefts are accompanied with other developmental problems, this defect is something which will never affect your child's ability to enjoy a good book or his ability to walk and run, or most importantly, his ability to live a normal, happy life.

[Lucas' mom (jewelg1@visto]

I think you are right...clefting is not a VERY serious birth defect...but I also think that it is important not to trivialize it. We as parents have an expectation of what our baby is going to be like...and when our baby is born with ANY defect, no matter how minor, it is necessary to grive the loss....you have lost the baby in your dream...and grieving that loss is an important step in healing and loving the baby you WERE given.
When Lucas was born, there was a young lady in the room next to mine who had lost her baby due to a cord wrapped around his neck. Yes, this was a HUGE wake up call, and I think it had a lot to do with the fact that I did not really have a hard time dealing with my baby's cleft. But I have met in the past two years ( Lucas will be 2 onthe 15! YAY) many mothers who have grief...which is often coupled with a guilt...a feeling that that grief is not justified...and it is. You are not grieving the child you HAVE...nto suggesting you would not want that child....you are grieveing the dream you lost.
Just wanted to say that
Jewel

[Anonymous]

I didn't mean to trivialize the effect of a cleft lip on a family - my own too-brutally-honest mother once told me that she went into shock when I was born and had to be sedated for a few days (an extreme reaction - but apparently not all that uncommon 30 yrs. ago). I spent the first 15 yrs. of my life in and out of hospitals, dentist's offices and with speech pathologists. Yet today, I can honestly say that most people cannot tell I have a cleft lip - even mothers of children with clefts. I've had to point it out to various doctors during my lifetime. I think to choose not to have a child because there is a possiblity of that child having a cleft (something I had considered at one time) would be a tragic mistake. If there isn't a history of cleft in your family and your child is born with one, I'm sure the shock must be devastating (as with my mother) - I myself was worried that I wouldn't be able to handle a child with a cleft, and I knew what to expect. I think the man who worried about his future children (as I do) has more to cope with as far as feelings of guilt if his children do have the defect. But I would hate to see him miss out on the joy of children when a cleft lip is so treatable.