Still Struggling

[College Kid]

While I am glad to hear of the many success stories regarding
cleft lip/cleft palate, I will have to admit it is a very rough
road. I am now 19 years old and attend a university in the midwest,
however I still struggle with cleft lip/cleft palate in many ways.
I have very low self-esteem after having endured years of being picked
on and made fun of in school. I have few friends and often feel very lonely
because people still stare at me. Though I have had 10 surgeries to
repair my lip, the scars are still very evident, my lip is jagged, and
my speech is still very nasal sounding. I encourage every parent
that has a child with cleft lip/cleft palate to not
only ensure proper surgery but to work as hard as possible to
help build a strong sense of self-esteem in your child because
he/she will need it.

[Kristi]

Hi,
I believe strong family support is very critical in the early years of any child's life. I think parents should spend a lot of time with their kids in those years to help build their child's self-esteem. I was born ib the '60s and the strong family support I got in my early years was very critical to where I got today. Attitude is a big factor too. I'm one determined woman. If I really want something, I go after it. The surgeries play a role in getting there to where I am but it is what is on the inside that has gotten me where I am today.


Kristi.. who hopes to be a life underwriter someday

[Sam]

dear still struggling, i am 19 years old and in school and i know how you feel-im not going to sit here and tell you that it's how you are on the inside. when i was about 13 i developed a lymphangioma in my upper left thigh at first it was very small, so i went and had it removed...6 years later, my left leg is three times the size of my right..my tumor now extends from my knee into my stomach, and i have swelling in my calf. try wearing shorts in te summer-not cute, everybody stares and mumbles words to each other. i am now engaged and when he was little he got a cold and ended up with polyneuritis, a nerve disease and it killed all of his nerve endings, he couldnt walk, feed himself, or dress himself at 7 years old. the way he had to learn how to walk was with his feet out, it's the cutest thing. we have a son together and he was born with a cleft lip and palate...talk about trying to dig up a positive attitude and self-esteem, no not easy. but the only thing that keeps me going is a get up, open my eyes-be thankful im not blind. listen to my son cry-be thankful im not deaf. and get out of bed to make a bottle, being thankful i can get up and walk. my mom once told me-no matter how much you cry and complain, there is someone out there that has it much worse. be thankful for everyday and everything you have, everything will work out in the long run...i promise.

[John]

Hi. I'm 19 years old, currently attending a university in Florida, and was born with a unilateral cleft palate/lip. From your description, I didn't have quite as you did in school, but it wasn't easy, either.


Perhaps it is my personality, but I've always felt that it didn't matter what my lip looked like. After many operations, I'll admit that it's difficult to even see that I had a cleft, but I know what it's like going through school looking different than other kids.


You just have to realize that what your lip looks like and what you voice sounds like makes absolutely no difference in the long run. It may be hard to deal with, but in accepting your situation and realizing that the friends you do have are true friends you are a stronger person. In reality, people with lots of friends have as many *true* friends as you do. They're just packed along with a lot of superficial friends. In some ways, you're better off because you don't have to sift through them to figure out which are really your friends.


One of our ROTC unit mottos is "Get hit, fall down, come up swinging." That kind of mentality will do wonders for your self-esteem.

[Melanie]

Still Struggling,


Been there. Done that. It hurts. I won't deny it. It's a hard road. I have a bilateral cleft lip and palate. I've also had MANY surgeries. I'm a 21 year old female toughing it out. I'd like to give you some encouragement on this touchy issue. Email me at rembrandtt@geocities.com if you ever want to talk.

[Val]

Hi!


Just reading your comments bring back a lot of memories. I,m a female and was born with a cleft lip and palate. I remember when I went to high school and college and it was really tough. I remember crying myself to sleep a lot of nights. But with continued support from my `best friends`and my parents I was able to build my self esteem. My parents would always tell me what beautiful eyes I had and a beautiful smile. So your right, parents play a big roll in self esteem. But when you become a teenager, it seems that what matters most is what other teenagers and students think and its hard to get the self esteem. Friends would tell me 'You can`t notice anything' but if I was in a Bar, and some guy looked at me, I wasn`t sure if he was staring because he was interested in me or if he thought I so funny looking. But over time, I held a part time job and had a great group of friends, both male and female and this made a great difference. It gave me the confidence to become friends with the opposite sex. Over the next couple of years, I dated several guys and found that they could overlook my differences and like me for who I was. I ended up marrying a guy who I had been friends with for over a year. Im now 34 and have two beautiful boys and neither one of them have any problems.


I also have a brother who was born with a Cleft Lip only. (My poor mother!!) I can remember him going though a really rough time at the age of 16 and feeling despressed. My mother constantly told him that he was a special person and that he didn`t need better looks to get a girlfriend, but a happy-go-lucky attitude. Before long he was dating all kinds of girls. (He is now 25 and getting married to a beautiful girl in October.)


I have 3 brothers, and the one with the cleft lip is the one that seems to have the women after him. The other two brothers are more 'handsome' but they do not carry themselves and are not as sure of themselves as the one with the cleft lip.


It just goes to show you that to get self-esteem, you just have to go out there and act like you are a normal person and be the special kind, caring person that you are. At times, I believe that I was borm this way because it made me a better person, more understanding and compassionate. I work as an Account Manager at a Bank and I have always worked with the public. I even have to speak in public from time to time. My mother always laughts now and says' Out of my 4 kids, it is my 2 with the cleft lip that seem to have the most confidence of all.!' Believe me, you will get your self-esteem over time!! Hang in there.


One more thing. Because I had my brother around, we had one advantage. When you look in a mirror, you always see a`'FLAT IMAGE'. When I would look at my brother face to face and then we would look in the mirror, what a difference. My brother looked a lot worst in the mirror. Because you only get to look at your 'FLAT IMAGE.', you really look a lot better than you think. My mother was always self-consience of her chin. She thought she had a witch`s chin. Again I would look at her face to face and then in the mirror, and the mirror always made her chin look worst. So, if you ever get the chance try this with someone else who is not so 'perfect.'


Anyways, I know is will be though, and it does get easier over time.


Good luck and take care!!! Sorry about the spelling mistakes, I was always so much better in math!! Ha-Ha!

[Barb]

If I could go back to when I was 19, I am 36 now and so much better as a person. I can feel everything you are going through. I am told that I am beautiful and it's not noticeable, but everyday I wear makeup to cover it and I AM different and still have a lot of questions, but it does get better and there are things to help scars. Try rejuveness. Call me so we can talk - and remember that WE are our own worst critic. 770-612-3265.