starting kindergarten with repaired cleft lip/palate

[tinasmith@bellsouth.net]

My five year old will be starting kindgergarten in August. He takes speech therapy 2 times per week and in my opinion, his repair looks great. He never thinks about it and all he can remember about his numerous surgeries is that the doctor drew on his face with a marker before surgery. How much should I prepare him for the remarks of others in class..he doesn't have a clue that he looks any different than they do!

[jupitor@hawaii.rr.com]

Hi, Congradulations on your child's operation and his starting of school. i was borned with a cleft lip only and know how hard it is while growing up. I'm 38 with 3 beautful children. I believe that having a good plastic surgion is the best thing for a child borned with a cleft. Also, I don't think you can actually prepare him for how other's may treat him? we cannot control or predict how people will act or say. I believe the best thing you could do for your son is to shower him with affectionate love!! make him feel special. tell him he's beautiful. sit your son on your lap in-front of a mirror and tell him that he looks beautiful. tell him also that he looks even more beautiful in person. (You know? my mom told me when i was young that whenever i looked in the mirror, whatever i see, i look 10 times better in person!) Being born with a cleft, we go through alot. i always wished even till today that i had a normal looking nose and lip. When i look in the mirror today, i don't like how i look. but when i'm around people, i feel good about myself and feel more attractive. Do you see a connection? Opps, sorry for rambling. haha, back to what i was saying ... build good communication skills with your son so you'll know much how his day went and also, he'd be comfortable in expressing himself. Whenever your son has a hard time or had been talked about in school, he'll be more likely to forget what happened if he could come home to a loving family. I better end this note. i maybe rambling. haha If you have any more questions or fears? please feel free to e-mail me. I would love to share whatever i have to offer. good luck and remember ... don't be late for school!

[Pat in Houston]

Dear Tina:
You sound like the kind of mother that is tuned into your son. You are exactly what he needs! I wrote Bill (growing up with the mental trauma of a cleft lip) a reply and I hope it did not upset you or scare you. What many of us went thru years ago may not be the same as today. For me, I had no cosmetic surgeries until I was 16. My lip and noe were crooked thru all my school years. I was known as "the girl with the crooked lip". Your son has a definite advantage. Today, the technology has greatly improved and with earlier intervention. The child's feelings are also taken into consideration. I had none of that. The trauma of going to school with a crooked lip was difficult, but not having anyone to take these feelings to was just as bad if not worse.


First, I would schedule a meeting with your son's teacher the week before school starts and tell her about his surgeries. Make this a private conversation between you and her (do not include your son). I would be very positive and tell her that he is doing fine now. If future surgeries are required, I would tell her that as well. I would ask for her help and tell her that you know she is busy and her job is tough, but you are trying to keep your son's concept of himself as positive as you can. I would ask her to report any teasing or ugly comments back to you. I would probably not say much to your son about it until he came to you. Did he attend pre-school? How did the other children treat him? The other children may not even notice it if the repair is good. If he did come home upset, then I would ask the teacher for her help. Continue to build him up and be there if he needs to talk. Don't dismiss his feelings. Find activities that he likes to do. I would also sign up to be room mother. Get to know his classmates. At that age, children love to have their mothers at school if you are able to. As long as he has you, he'll be ok. I hope this helps.
Pat

[Tina Smith in Alabama]

Pat, thanks for your advice! I am fortunate to live in a small area with a k-12 school 3 minutes away. My three other children are in school there, and I know most of the teachers so that will help. I will begin substitute teaching when he starts in the fall too so I will be around. I will talk with his teachers about keeping an eye out for teasers and jokers though, because I really think it would bother me more than Jake! He didn't go to pre-school, but plays t-ball on a team and basketball too and none of his little teammates seemed to notice. He is outgoing and always happy go lucky and doesn't realize he is any different so I probably need to find a way to start showing him how special he is in all ways. Thanks for sharing with me, it truly helps to have someone to talk to about this! Have a great day!

[Calvero]

I'm 29 and was born with both cleft lip and cleft palate. I don't remember my mom telling me anything to me when I started school about how I may be reacted to. I went to speech classes all through elementary school and never had a problem with anyone until I got into junior high (where I lived, that was 7th grade). When that happened neither my mom or dad could really prepare me, but they did listen to me and let me vent.


I would suggest to be open if he comes home upset and listen to him. Be sure to answer to any questions that he may ask about his face. The main reason why I never had a problem talking about my cleft lip/palate with others is because it was always an open topic at home. I never got the impression that I should be ashamed of myself because I never received shame from my family (it was just the constant teasing that got me down).


If his self confidence has taken a dip, you may need to point out things he can do, maybe even mention something he can do better than you could at his age.


Good luck with him at school! With him having a caring and concerned mom, he has a good start


Kim,
The Cleft Club,
<a href="http://cleftclub.2ya.com">http://cleftclub.2ya.com</a>

[Susan]

Dear Tina:
I remember the first day my son started kindergarten. He really had not much experience in daycare and I was nervous. The two weeks I walked hime to class. I think I was the one with the problem more so than him. He loved school. He is now in the 8th grade and still loves school. Has he had some stares and some questions? Yes, but because of the self confidence I had put in him with prayer, he has done ok. We are now hitting the teen years and I know we still have bumps in the road, but I think he will do ok. Just stay in tune with your child, and watch for signs of trouble. Stay in touch with the teacher and everything will be ok
By the way, we live in AL.
Susan

[Tina in Alabama]

Thanks for replying to my question, I know that I'm a lot more worried than I should be..my son has no idea that he is any different and I would like to protect him even though I know that it won't always be possible. We live in the northwest corner of LImestone COunty (near Athens). We go to cleft clinic at Children's Hosp. in Birmingham. I'm glad to know your son is in eighth grade and is well-adjusted, I hope my prayers will have Jake in the same situation when he is that age!