i have so much to be happy for but feel i need more ...

[manoavlly@hawaii.rr.com]

whew, i have so many things to be happy about being borned with a cleft but even till today, i'm still wanting more. I know in my heart that i can never be able to be the man i want to be. somedays it's good, somedays it's harder. i'm 38 with 3 beautiful children. I'm divorce though. i think back and tell myself i blew it. i had a beatiful wife and beautiful children. My insecurites about myself threw all of that out the window. i got back into my old habits and started doing drugs again. i felt i needed somekind of substance to fill the void in my heart even thoug i had everything a man could wish for. i did't know it back then but i know it now. i'm my worst enemy and sometimes, i can't help myself. You know, considering the way i was born? I had many relationships with women. and still, i don't feel fortunate. i realize that i have to beat this demon in me. i can never be happy, or make others happy with whom i am in a relationship with until the day i can make myself happy. with all of this knowledge, i still have bad days. if you ask me, i'm pretty mixed up. hahaha, i have good things to say or feel but contridict myself with bad or negative thoughts. i was reading through this discusion list and i read something like this ... "the more i make myself beautiful, through surgeries, the more i want to be more beautiful". i think i'm going through something like that. After years of heavy drug use, and through many women, i finally came clean. although i had to do some time, i did it. i felt so good back then. i walked proud. i started to take care of my health and started a heavy weight lifting program. today, i get complimated on my physique but with that, seems like i want more. hahaha, life is so tough! for me and others that is. the more you feel good about yourself, with being born with a cleft, the more you want to be with a cleft ... you know? thanks for listening !


a troubled, but fortunate man ...

[Anonymous]

That sad to hear that you feel bad about yourself sometimes. I have a 4 year old and I hope that he won't every feel this way, however I have a felling he will. I am scared that I am not doing everything humanly possible to boost his esteem to the max. I never do anything to make him feel bad but yet I don't think I am doing everything possible. He is my only child who was born with a cleft lip/palate and I am scared about how to raise him because he is my only and I have not been through this before. I will try my hardest to make him feel good about himself. I hope he will not torture himself over how his face is a little abnormal, although I must say the doctor's did a great job. He is the most loving and affectionate child I have. I love him so much.


You know life is terrible or let's say people make it out to be worse than it is. For example myself, I was not born with anything like cleft lip/palate hoever my mom did not do much to boost my esteem. She was so incredibly strict that I can't say I had a normal happy childhood. Then again she was a only parent to me. I am greatful for what she did for me but I just wished she could have been more nice to me. I was major teased in school which to this day I don't know why. I was over caring of feelings and I guess that was strange for some kids. I felt so out of place. Didn't really do drugs. I still to this day have insecurities. I am always in some way putting myself down. I am married with a great husband who loves me so much and I him and 3 beautiful kids. A lot of men seem to like me, as stupid as that sounds but it still doesn't help much about how I feel about myself. I think maybe it's not my looks but my loving personality. I guess anybody can be down on themselves. I just wish there were a way people like us could just "Get over it". I think for me that will come with age. Maybe there is a time when you just say this is what I have and I am more than greatful and lucky God has blessed me.


Good luck.

[Jeff Alterman]

I realize that it isn't easy living with a cleft, but doing drugs isn't a very good thing either. I too have a very minor cleft since all I have is a submucous cleft hard palate, and a non-disfiguring harelip that is so tiny that it is only a kink in the red area of my upper lip. I'll admit that my speech is a little funny sounding and I'm a little self-conscious about it. Thankfully it isn't the worst thing in the world. I've taken good care of myself so that I'm fit and trim. I'm lean and powerful at 5' 9" and 145lbs. +/- 5 lbs. My physique is so attractive that even men are attracted to me. Even if I tell anyone that I have a very minor cleft they don't care. They like me as a person. Jeff Alterman at alterman@bestweb.net

[Victoria]

Actually, I hope I can be of help because of two particular coincidences. First of all, I also suffer from self-esteem and feel as it I blow up relationships and have an addictive nature (shopping and sometimes excess drinking - although the latter I excuse by saying that I am still leaving in a University environment). I was not actually born with a cleft, my boyfriend was (2nd coincidence). It is actually funny because now that I have managed to boast his self-esteem (as I undoubtedly adore him) it is me who is suffering from lack of the above. I do not think that in my case this is due to looks but actually to the fact that I have been unsuccessful finding the right job after I graduated from Law school. I was a high achiever at school and a lot was expected from me, both from my family and circle of friends (most of whom have higher degrees from Oxford University, UK). My boyfriend in fact is one of the most intelligent people I have ever met and the trouble is that (despite the fact that he suffers from some underlying lack of self-esteem due to his cleft) I feel that anyone must be better than me in his eyes. This does not usually come to the fore until we have been having too many drinks, say at a University party, or something of the kind, but when it does I become possessed by irrational jelously. I am in utter fear of lossing him because of this behaviour. The more I want him, the worst I react. I would welcome your comments, and hopefully we can tackle this insecurity problem together. You said that you "blew" your relationship with your wife. Perhaps it can still be mended. Now, sorry for preaching but you admit having gone back to taking drugs. For Christ sake, think about it. You have your children, you say in a way you are lucky. Don't let it happen to you. Don't be ashamed to ask for help. I am certainly not whiter than white myself but I am trying to control what I drink. The problem with us is that we live in a society where parties etc are the norm as he is researching at Oxford University and it is sometimes hard to stay away from a pub culture. Try and do something else instead, don't let it happen again.