Touchy & ULGY situation.. kinda long

[Lynn, 24--concerned!]

HI, I have a sister-in-law who was born with CL&P that is almost 15 years old, however has the developmental level of a 9 year old. She has also scored in the 80's on her IQ test. She was MAJOR suprise to their family. (she was born 12 years after my husband!) MY PROBLEM? Her parents live in a SMALL town--and did not have the information about CL&P like there is today. They carry massive guilt by the way they treat her.. (NO boundries, or limited disipline) She RUNS the house, is disrespectful to her parents,sassy, throws temper tantrums, and has no *true* friends. Her mom is her best friend... how unhealthy! Her parents have protected her from the outside world and plan on her living with them for the rest of their lives! I REALLY want to help them realize that just because she was born with a facial deformity doesn't mean she isn't normal! I would also like to help her become a teenager with meaning and goals in her life.


Can anyone else relate? How should I handle this.. I'm having a hard time watching them destroy their future.


Thanks,
Cathy

[Jenny - Mother of Ryan]

I am unsure whether I can relate - but maybe this will help. I think for a long time people associated any disformity with some sort of brain damage or retardation - when in fact they are totally unrelated. A lot of your sister's problems may stem from how she has been treated because of her facial deformity. Has she had any surgeries? If not, I know there are ways to pay for those surgeries through many organizations if necessary. My child was recently born with a cleft lip & palate and my brother, who is now 20 has a cleft lip. He is a strong person because he was always treated like he wasn't any differnt from the rest of us. Kids,teenager alike, are resilent and can bounce back form hard situations with the right help and intervention. Go with what your gut tells you to do and help her in any way you can.

[Rachael]

Oh boy can I relate!!
It sounds like the parents are making this worse for her, my mom did the same thing with me..I was spoiled by her because I had no friends and I had a hard time in school..I was a brat to her too.
All it is going to do is make it harder for her when she DOES growup!


Who says she will always stay with her folks!
It's NOT the end of the world for her!!!


I have a homepage about being born with a bi-lateral cleft lip and what I had to overcome to do what I dreamed about doing when I was a young teenager.
I was told I could never do this and I was very shy and backwards... but I did it anyway!!
Here is my link: <a href="http://home.talkcity.com/SpiritCir/bja3/">http://home.talkcity.com/SpiritCir/bja3/</a>
Please email me if you have any Questions my email is on my homepage.
Take care!

[Trisha]

I agree with Jenny; there was, and still is the perception that a person with a cleft condition also is also mentally disabled. Has her IQ been verified through testing? There is a tendency to spoil a child with a birth defect, in order to "make up" for the 'cruel world' we live in. But it doesn't work. These seemingly harmless intentions actually work against the individual who has the condition. I was born with a bi-lateral cleft lip and palate, and am 35 years old. I can't relate to being spoiled, as I was treated like the 'rest of the group' and most times my parents ignored this condition altogether, as if it would go away on its own. I recall being treated poorly by teachers who thought I was unintelligent. In fact, a high-school math teacher, among many mean statements, said "I won't pass you along like all the other teachers did" as if I did not work for my grades. (As it turns out, I now train people on computers, make a lot of $$ using my math (and people) skills, and am a fantastic teacher). That's not to say that I did not have a very hard time then. For a child or young adult who is trying to find his/her way in the world, others opinions make a BIG impact on self esteem and perception. For me, repeatedly hearing that I was stupid and worthless sometimes became a fulfilling prophecy, especially when family and friends were not there to 'buffer' me from these remarks. I think it is a good idea to get involved with your sister-in-law's situation. It is a very caring thing that you are going to do. Everyone should have such caring relatives! Perhaps you could suggest counseling for your sister-in-law (with or without your mother-in-law at the same sessions). Children do need limits, boundaries and control. They will test their parents to see how much they can get away with. If no limits are set, eventually, they may start to believe their parents don't care enough about them. It's a sticky situation and not one you can tackle on your own. Much luck to you and your family in resolving this. Your caring will probably change her life

[Brian]

I had some of the same experiences in school. I remember after getting my SAT scores back that I was called into the guidance counselor's office. He said he almost peed in his pants when he saw my score. He said someone's parent had called him and told him I cheated! I told him I didn't and he never said anything again. I'm certain that kids with clefts get lower grades in school because of their deformity. My sister got 10 pts higher than me on the SAT's and was valedictorian of her class. I think we are of similar intelect.